Spores

Yes, it's been a month since I've updated my blog. I've been drunk busy.

Far too often, I end up with a (seemingly) good idea getting into my brain, and I can tell right away that I won't be using it for anything spectacular. My new plan is to post these up here, no matter how lame they end up being once they're on (figurative) paper. The working name for these things is "Spores," and they're somewhat in the vein of "What You Hear," the snippets based on Greg Stolze's Unknown Armies RPG.

This will serve two purposes: to get these things out of my head and to spur me to write in this damn thing more.

One of those useless bits of trivia everyone hears - I think it was mentioned first on 60 Minutes sometime in 1997 - the most common first name in the world is "Mohammed," and the most common last name is "Wong." But, as they say, there isn't anyone actually named "Mohammed Wong."

Actually, there is a Mohammed Wong; lots of them. Or there used to be, at least. The funny thing about that useless trivium is that it has a way of affecting how we think. Ever since that 60 Minutes episode aired, no one who's heard and actually believes this fact is capable of recognizing Mohammed Wong. Any Mohammed Wong. If a Mohammed Wong walked up to you right now and said his name, you wouldn't even hear it. And you'd never think to actually ask him his name if he didn't offer it. He'd always be "that guy" or "hey" to you. He could give you a fake name, though, and you'd just treat him like that was who he was. Even if the fake name was Sally Prendergast or Thorvaar Eriksen.

So, when you hear someone say that thing about Mohammed Wong, don't believe it. It makes Mohammed Wong's life very difficult.

BSG finale dead pool results are in

Yeah, I know I said I'd post them Sunday and it's Monday. Things happen.

Anyway, we all watched closely to see how our predictions would turn out, and as proof that I didn't unduly influence the outcome, I should point out that I came in tenth place, after some far more astute fans.

Scoring

Before I get to the actual lists, a word on how results were calculated. Obviously, everyone wanted their picks to be right, but to make things interesting, I awarded more points for correct predictions when they really came from left field. Let's be honest: there were some characters in this show who we already knew were dead (wo)men walking, and it wouldn't have been fun to see a ten-way tie with the same names on every list.

So. Every dead body was worth 100 points. Those points were divided up amongst everyone who had predicted that character's death. For example, five people said that Tory had to go. When she finally did, she awarded each of them 20 points. The more people on your list died, and the more unique your choices were, the better you did.

I counted eight dead characters when all was said and done. Here they are, with their respective point values:

Boomer: 5.88

Cavil: 6.25

Racetrack: 50

Laura Roslin: 5.26

Sam Anders: 14.28

Skulls: 100*

Tory Foster: 20

Starbuck: 16.66

Now, I'm gonna take some heat on that last one. That's fine. She's dead; start mourning. Skulls gets the asterisk because he's the only one who died who wasn't on anyone's list. 

Winners & Losers

The winner, who got all five on her list correct, is Wendy, who called on Laura Roslin, Sam Anders, Boomer, Cavil and Racetrack. Wendy scored 81.68. 

Rounding out our final five, in order:

Sarah (Seelix, Racetrack, Caprica Six, Hera, Galen Tyrol): 50

Cesia (Galen Tyrol, Tory, Starbuck, Jeanne, Gaius Baltar): 36.66

Scott (Laura Roslin, Saul Tigh, Ellen Tigh, Starbuck, Sam Anders): 36.21

Steve (Sam Anders, Cavil, Laura Roslin, Boomer, Saul Tigh): 31.68

The numbers paint an interesting picture. The whole episode's body count was lower than expected, so scores were low all around. But Wendy, getting all five of her predictions right, still scored under 100; meanwhile, not a single person picked Skulls - even the two who picked Racetrack, who was always in the same ship as Skulls. So if someone had picked Skulls and gotten every other name on their list wrong, they'd have taken first place.

Personally, I'd have picked them both if I was gonna pick one...but then, the top two both had Racetrack and not Skulls, so I'm not one to talk.

Honorable Mentions

An A for effort in terms of gaming the system goes to Ben, who picked such notables as Hoshi, Nurse Ishay, "the specialist who wouldn't strip the launchers," "Nowart (the Marine who Adama overpowered in the mutiny)" and "The doughy Marine volunteering on his left." According to Ben, he assumed the Galactica was going down with all hands aboard, so he wanted to pick the names he most thought no one else would have...or the characters, at least, since two of them didn't even have names.

Karin and Rich Jr. were the only two to pick characters who were already dead for their lists: D'Anna Biers and Dualla, respectively. Karin gets a bit of a pass, since it wasn't entirely clear that D'Anna still meant to stay on (old) Earth after they found it nuked, but the general consensus is that she did and died. Rich Jr. just hadn't seen many of the past episodes and/or forgot Dualla was already dead. He also had the only non-human, non-Cylon entry, Jake (Romo Lampkin's dog).

Final honorable mention goes to Scott, even though he was already mentioned, he specified "Starbuck is already dead," so he gets extra mention for accuracy.

Bonus Round

The Bonus Round asked what scene you wanted to see in the finale, even though you knew it wasn't going to happen. As expected, submissions ranged from the romantic/sexual:

"I'd like to see Apollo and Starbuck finally get their acts together and go make some babies."

"Kara and Lee finally get together (yeah, right)"

"Starbuck and Lee kiss."

"Starbuck and Apollo get married."

"Lee and Starbuck romantic reunion OR Tom Zarek returns as a cylon."

"Boomer on Boomer."

To the hate-filled:

"Lee dies."

"I'd love to see Laura Roslin airlock Tory. Then retrieve her body and do it again."

"Lee Adama dies. For the love of gods why the frak is this guy still relevant (aside from the fact that he occasionally fraks Starbuck)?"

To the unbearably nerdy:

"Baltar has obtained an arsenal and hasn't done anything with them yet. I want him to come in and save the day like when Han Solo was counted out in Star Wars Ep IV and came back and shot Darth Vader away "You're all clear kid, let's blow this thing and go home!!!""

"Galactica finds the Death Star in a galaxy far far away and crashes because the Cylons sabotaged their manuevering systems, thereby destroying both Galactica and the Death Star. This scene should include a cameo by Grand Moff Tarkin(as he is consumed by the explosion) and Mr. T."

To the just plain strange:

"I've said it before, I'll say it again. They rescue Hera and when Roslin is brought face to face with her, she grabs the little one and sinks her teeth into the girls neck, thus being replenished by the human/cylon hybrid's blood. With her cancer now cured again, she shall return to her iron-fisted rule of throwing people that piss her off out of the airlock."

"The all-singing, all-dancing, all-fleet production of Gaius Baltar Superstar. Featuring "I Don't Know How To Love Him Because He Keeps Changing Jobs," "This Cylon Must Die," and "Could We Start Again, Please? No, Now Do Your Frakking Job.""

"I guess overall that would have to be where the final 5 just up and leave for now reason, Roslin sacrifices Hera to cure her cancer, a flashback reveals the it was really Roslin who gave away the defense codes, they randomly find a new planet, they are all eaten by a Grue, Kara learns what she really is when she goes all Phoenix and kills every human and cylon in existence, and we're left with cold dead lifeless space.  This is then revealed to all be Caval's dream, and THAT is revealed to all be Baltar's dream, and THAT is revealed to all be Head 6's dream, and Head 6 is revealed to be the dream of the hologram Rimmer from Red Dwarf. It's a long scene."

My personal favorites, though:

"During the final battle, one last cavalry charge of Vipers heads out of Galactica with The Ride of the Valkyries at full volume." (The world cannot get enough Apocalypse Now)

"Someone saying "Hi" to Baltar's virtual Six and him realising that no-one being able to see her was just one huge practical joke being played on him."

"Roslin looking Baltar in the face and tell her that she's sorry for all the bullshit she's thrown his way." (Hey, Baltar was just misunderstood)

Well, that's it, folks. Tune in at the end of the next major sci-fi TV epic. I'm guessing it'll be sometime in 2012.

A Man Whose Time Has Come

Superman has Bizarro Superman.

Elvis has Michael J. Fox.

Jesus has Anti-Jesus.

Every legendary figure has its opposite...so why has the Internet not given us the opposite of Chuck Norris? To embody weakness the way Chuck (supposedly) embodies power?

He is the victim of victimless crimes.

He doesn't sleep - he cries.

Underneath his beard, there isn't a chin. There also isn't a fist - there just isn't a chin.

But who is he?

Back on topic...

I figured that I'd spend most of my time on this blog talking about two things: Nerd Shit and Booze. Hence the name. Therefore, I'd like to get down to brass tacks right away.

Battelstar Galactica is ending this week, and all signs point to it being a bloodbath; they've never been shy about offing characters in the past, and they've got even less incentive to keep them around now. So, what started as a side bet amongst the five or so people I live with now is trying to worm its way into the heart of the Internet: The Battlestar Galactica Dead Pool. Pick five characters you expect to see die; it helps to be up-to-date on the show just so you don't pick anyone already dead, but what the hell?

Since some choices are more obvious than others, there's a catch: each name on your list will be weighted according to how many other lists that name appears on. No one sees the sum total of the entries but me, and I'll post scores up here on Sunday or Monday. I'll also post the best entries from the bonus round: the scene you want to see in the last episode, but that you know you won't.

So...enter your names, pass it forward, watch the show and enjoy the slaughter.

Do something, even if it's wrong

When I was about five, my grandparents bought bikes for myself and my sister. Those bikes were promptly stolen from our garage, well before I'd mastered the art of staying upright on mine. The following year, my sister got a new bike, learned to ride it and was all over town in short order. I got a Nintendo, and quickly decided that going outside for almost any reason was overrated. After all...frickin' Zelda. 

This set up a pattern for me, one of the kids who'd be inside reading instead of...whatever else kids that age do; I'm still not sure. On the minus side, I didn't learn to ride a bike for another 20 or so years, and yet didn't actually end up any better than my peers at video games. On the plus side, I still have yet to break a bone or get stitches, I never fell down a well or got into a van with this guy.

But I grew up as a pretty sedentary kid, on into my teenage years. This bothered the hell out of my dad, who once had jumped a freight train in Addison and took it out to California, lived there for two years and hitchiked back. He didn't just get into a van with that guy, he was that guy for a while. Frequently, when sitting around the house reading comics or whatever, I'd find myself subject to his admonition: "Do something, even if it's wrong!"

To be frank, I'm still a pretty lazy kid. I'm almost 30 and I'm well used to 120-hour work weeks, but that sedentary nature really did take root. Lately, I've taken to yelling that mantra to myself, since Dad has since packed up and moved to Mexico (where my stepmom was summarily bitten by a scorpion and nearly died - she does things even if they're wrong, too). See, if I'm not careful, like many God-Damn nerds cerebral lads of my general age, I find myself spending way more time thinking about what to do and planning the right way to do it that I get caught up in that process and seem never to get around to acting on those plans.

So I've tried to live by a watered-down version of this credo; I'm not feeding beer to stray half-wolf dogs in Arkansas and then taking them to a vacation house as pets for my kids or helping any of my friends dodge college to sneak off to the Vietnam War like he did, but...baby steps, man. Baby steps. I started with occasionally cutting myself off in any kind of plan-making or thought process, even when it wasn't 100% there and going to work. Now...well, things aren't just not thought out 100%. I'm probably lucky if it's as far as 50%. Or maybe 35%.

Yet, I'm still immersed - since I couldn't get away even if I wanted to - in that nerd culture that seems like it can't order a pizza for two to save its life. It's gotten particularly frustrating lately, with me feeling like everyone else is two steps behind, and looking like I just walked out the door with my underwear on over my jeans and without my car keys.

There are a few specific incidents that precipitated this, but I'll spare you the details for the time being. Suffice to say that I'd been planning the right way to start this blog for awhile now, and while it's probably wrong, at least now it's done.